


Sacrifices

by GorgonDivine



Series: Live For Today [3]
Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Canon Universe, Canon-Typical Violence, Drama, Established Relationship, F/M, Gore, Hurt/Comfort, Levi (Shingeki no Kyojin) is Bad At Feelings, Love, Minor Character Death, You and Levi Have An Argument
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-12-07
Updated: 2018-12-07
Packaged: 2019-09-13 20:58:27
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 7,156
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16899723
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/GorgonDivine/pseuds/GorgonDivine
Summary: After you volunteer for a recovery mission that may end up as risky as any Survey Corps expedition, Levi has to face some uncomfortable facts about his feelings for you.





	Sacrifices

The cleft in the rock, which could barely be called a cave, was silent save for the sniffling of one or two of the others. Anders sat propped against a stone wall, wiping blood from a cut on his face, but otherwise uninjured, as far as you could see. His blades were still out, although they were almost useless now. Your own blades were drawn and your knees pulled up to your chest, ready to leap to your feet if necessary. The light was dimming outside. Soon it would be night, and then you were going to have to get them all back to Wall Rose.

The elderly man at the back of the small space coughed painfully, and you winced. He wasn’t going to make it unless you could find your horse and get him on it, and even then it wasn’t certain. The others were mostly able to move on their own, but it would be slow going. You could simply take Atalanta and ride off with Anders behind you, but that would be both inhumane and contrary to the whole reason why you were out here risking your life for people you didn’t even know. But you would have been lying to yourself if you didn’t admit that the idea crossed your mind briefly, even though you immediately quashed it.

You wondered what Levi was doing now, and felt a stab of pain. He’d been _angry_. You’d never seen him like that before. You knew it was because he cared, very deeply so, but the depth of his fury had shaken you, even as you’d calmly told him to back off, that you were going to do this and that he needed to respect that decision. But you had the unpleasant realization that you may have done something that would break his heart if the worst case scenario came to pass.

But that couldn’t be helped, as Levi himself might say. You’d just have to get back to headquarters and make it up to him later.

* * * * *

The day before, Erwin had called a meeting.

“I’m going to be brief and to the point,” the commander of the Survey Corps said, his face as serious as you’d ever seen it. Around the room, everyone else braced themselves. Erwin looked along the table, meeting each of your eyes in turn. “They’ve decided to send most of the refugees out into the lost territory inside Wall Maria. It’s being termed a ‘reclamation campaign.’”

Erwin fell silent, looking down at his folded hands resting before him on the table. Not a single person stirred or moved as the implications of his statement sank in. Your heart shriveled in your chest, and you felt as if you would choke.

Beside you, Levi sat unmoving, his narrow gray gaze fixed on Erwin with alarming intensity. He was the first to speak. “Do they _know_ exactly what they’re doing? I wouldn’t put it past those pigs to be so stupid as to -- “

“They know.” Erwin’s hard words sank like a stone into the horrified silence. “That’s how they’ve chosen to deal with the food shortage. The harvest has been insufficient, and there are too many mouths to feed now inside Wall Rose and Wall Sina.”

“Especially Wall Sina,” Mike’s voice was quiet, but sliced through the air like a knife. “They’re not going to send anybody from inside _there_.”

“Probably not.” The blond commander’s face went tight with a kind of grim amusement before he sighed, “At any rate, they haven’t asked for any personnel from the Survey Corps to accompany this army, and to be frank, I’m not unhappy to have been spared that decision.”

“Those people are farmers and townsfolk, not soldiers. They won’t even make it more than a few kilometers past the gates before the Titans come for them,” Ness observed somberly.

“Who are they conscripting?” you asked..

“Everyone over the age of fifteen who doesn’t already have relatives living inside Wall Rose,” Erwin said, “or who can’t afford to buy their way out of this.” At your other side, Hange let out a soft gasp, and across from you, Mike’s face drew into a scowl.

“Sir,” you said urgently. “Is it possible that any of them might survive?”

“ _If_ they’re lucky. But you know as well as I do, Squad Leader, what happens when we go outside the Walls. What do you think will happen when thousands of untrained, barely armed civilians are marched out of the gate and sent to ‘retake’ an area crawling with Titans?” Erwin sighed again. ”Anyway, the reason I called this meeting is that there is a chance some will make it back, but they will need assistance to do so. I told Pixis I’d send three people to help with that, at least.”

“Only three?” Hange said, blinking.

“We won’t need to send more,” Erwin stated clearly. Everyone cast each other dark looks.

“So basically it’s a mop-up crew,” Levi noted in his flat voice, his expression as disgusted as if Erwin had asked him to clean the latrines with his tongue.

“If that’s what you want to call it, then yes.” Erwin replied patiently before he looked around at all of you again. “I won’t order any of you to go, but -- “

“I’ll do it.” Somewhere in the back of your mind you were screeching at yourself for interrupting the commander, but the rest of your brain didn’t care. “I’ll go, and I’m willing to bet Anders will as well. We’d only need one more.”

“Are you _certain_ you wish to volunteer, Squad Leader?” Erwin appeared concerned, which was one way in which he differed from Shadis already -- he knew how to look as if he gave a damn. Maybe he actually did. It wasn’t important to you now, though.

“I’m sure,” you said firmly, lifting your chin. “It’s too late for my family, but if I can bring someone back to theirs…” Your voice trailed off, and you had to clear your throat. “Anyway, I know the area well. My father used to travel the lands between our village and Shiganshima to sell our produce, and I often went with him.”

Erwin considered for a moment. The rest of the room was silent, some looking at you with concern, others avoiding your gaze. You could sense that Levi was as tense as a wire about to snap, so you didn’t look at him at all.

“All right. You’re to report to Wall Rose tomorrow morning,” Erwin said, and you could see a flash of something resembling sympathy in his blue eyes. “Inform your brother, and if he’s willing, you can find another volunteer to accompany you.”

“Thank you, sir,” you said, still not looking at Levi.

“That concludes this meeting. You’re all dismissed.”

Chairs scraped, but the usual conversation and riposte between the officers was absent now. Hange embraced you without saying anything, uncharacteristically, and Mike pulled you into a brief one-armed hug before they both departed. Behind you, Levi still hadn’t moved. After glancing back and forth between the two of you, Erwin wisely took his leave. You were left alone in the meeting room with Levi.

Finally, you turned and met Levi’s gaze. He stood up slowly, coming so close you could see the flecks of mingled gray and blue in his hard-eyed gaze.

“Are you _fucking crazy_?” he hissed.

* * * * *

You stood atop the Wall somewhat to the east of the gates below, looking down at the outside of Wall Rose. Beside you was Anders and another soldier from the Survey Corps. All of you had your eyes fixed on the scene below. Your faces were set and your hearts heavy.

“This isn’t why I joined the military,” Anders bit out, “to watch innocent people be sent out to die like dogs.”

Marina, a member of your squad, lifted her eyes from the dismal sight below to scan the horizon through a pair of binoculars. “I don’t see any Titans yet.” Nothing moved in the distance, but you all knew that wouldn’t last long.

You swung around and walked to the other side of the wall to peer downward. Almost all of the thousands of refugees had been moved outside the gates. Some Garrison soldiers stood near you on the Wall, talking in low voices. One of them seemed nearly hysterical, and you glanced his way curiously as his friends tried to calm him down.

“His parents are down there,” said a voice to your left. The older Garrison soldier nodded his head in the direction of the group. “He couldn’t afford to buy their safety, so they got sent out.”

“Mine are gone already,” you said in a quiet voice. “We got the news a week after Shiganshima fell. There was no one left alive in our village.”

The older soldier nodded in sympathy, scratching his beard. He’d obviously heard a lot of similar stories in the year or so since the Colossal Titan had appeared. “You’re from the Corps, eh?” He squinted at you curiously. “They say that Smith is a decent enough commander. Did he order you out here?”

“No, I volunteered, as did the others,” you told him. “And yes, Erwin Smith is a good commander so far.”

“Can’t be worse than that fool Shadis, I reckon,” said the older man. “I’m Sherman, by the way. Lieutenant Sherman.”

You told him your name and rank. “Ah, so let’s see -- which one of us oughta be saluting the other?” he asked with a grin.

“I think we’re about the same rank,” you said, giving him a half-smile. “Are you going out with the recovery squad later?”

“Nah, not me. They’re sending some younger and faster ones. But you -- I thought I recognized your name. My brother used to run a mercantile in Trost, and he’d get your family’s stuff in now and again. Always real popular, those apples and that honey.”

“Yes.” You couldn’t look at him. “There probably won’t be any more now.”

Sherman paused, then said gruffly, “I’m sorry about your folks, Squad Leader. Never met ‘em, but they made a few people happy.” He followed your gaze down to where the crowd had nearly finished passing through the massive gate. “Maybe you’ll bring some of those poor bastards back alive to their children, make ‘em happy too.”

“That’s why I’m here,” you replied.  
  
Below you, there arose a distant shout. The soldiers were hurriedly ushering the last of the conscripted army out of the Wall, and others stationed at the main gate began to swing the doors shut behind them.

“Squad Leader! Incoming!” Marina shouted, her tone urgent. You and Sherman both ran to the other edge of the wall. Marina lowered her binoculars and pointed in the direction where she’d spotted the oncoming Titans. You couldn’t see anything yet, but you didn’t have to. “They’ll be here before the army has gone from our sight.”

The little group of soldiers nearby had fallen silent. Sherman bowed his head, and you heard Anders swearing softly. You yourself couldn’t feel anything but numb dread.

* * * * *

It didn’t even take an entire day for the inevitable to unfold.

The three of you, along with the soldiers from the Garrison, had to watch helplessly as lumbering shapes appeared in the distance, moving quickly to meet the front edge of the mass of humanity that was making its slow way across the lost territory. You passed the binoculars between yourselves, unable to look away as the Titans tore through the crowd, leaving still forms in their wake, devouring hundreds more. On and on they came, more than you’d ever seen in one place -- some twice as tall as a man, others many meters high. The sight of their loathsome forms made your hands itch for your blades.

No one knew if the most terrifying Aberrants would return, but although you were prepared to act immediately if the Colossal or Armored Titans appeared, they never did. Even so, by that afternoon the outcome of the “reclamation” was already horribly obvious. A few Titans still meandered here and there in the distance, but most had wandered away after gorging themselves, and the horizon seemed darker than before -- the ground being covered with the bodies of the dead.

As the sun began to descend from its peak, the order finally came from below: it was time for the recovery squad to move out. You and your soldiers swung down from the top of the Wall to discover that a mere dozen people, nine Garrison soldiers and the three of you from the Survey Corps, were being sent outside to find any survivors. It was obvious that no one held out any real hope for that, otherwise they would have bothered to send a larger group. You were determined to retrieve as many as you could, regardless.

It seemed that you were the highest-ranking soldier on the recovery squad. Although you’d never worked with Garrison soldiers before, you assumed your place as the head of the small squadron. Your horse, a pale gray mare you’d taken to calling Atalanta after a character from an ancient legend, was restive, still scenting Titans in the distance. You knew time was of the essence, however. You gave the command to move out, and all of you left in single file through the smallest gate.

For the first couple of kilometers you saw nothing, but then someone shouted a warning and everyone turned to look. Bodies lay strewn across a hillside, some whole, many more in pieces. No Titans were in sight, but the Garrison soldiers looked extremely nervous. You called Anders and Marina to the front to talk to them.

“We’ll each take three Garrison soldiers and fan out for the search. Stay within shouting distance. We aren’t here to fight if we don’t have to,” you told them. They obeyed, and soon you and your comrades were sweeping the area for anybody still left.

It didn’t take you long to decide that this was the worst assignment of your entire career in the Survey Corps. The only good thing about the situation was that there were so many dead humans around, their bodies already beginning to bloat under the hot sun, that the Titans probably couldn’t detect the dozen of you who were alive. The dead lay everywhere, young and old, many of them frozen in attitudes of terror or pain. Human limbs and random pieces of flesh and bone littered the ground. Blood stained every blade of grass, rock, or tree in some places. Now and then one of your fellow soldiers would leap off their horse and run towards a body, only to stop and shake their head.

Even Marina and Anders looked sickened by the sight, although they were both veterans of many Titan-fighting battles. The Garrison soldiers, who had never seen this kind of thing before the fall of Wall Maria, seemed almost as shocked as you imagined the civilian army had been. You had begun to doubt anybody at all had lived through the Titan attack when you heard a cry from one of the soldiers riding with Anders.

“Here! Someone’s alive!” he yelled. A form slowly sat up on the ground, clutching their upper arm in pain. It was a man whose dark hair that was clotted with blood, and he began shaking as he took in the sight around him. The soldier tried to calm him down, but a hair-raising wail of agony and terror burst from the man’s throat, and you had to clench your jaw and turn away.

“Keep going. There may be more,” you told the three young Garrison soldiers riding with you, and with wide eyes, they gamely followed you onward.

Slowly, you discovered additional survivors: an old woman who had simply played dead under the bodies of other victims until the Titans were gone, a pair of scared, trembling teenage girls, one of whom was now missing an arm, two or three others in various states of injury or shock. The squad’s shouts alerted other survivors, some of whom came to you, while some had to be searched for among the dead since they were too injured to move. You re-formed the squad and dispatched a few soldiers to carry the most injured ones back to the gates before returning to help with the rest. You also pointed those who could walk towards safety, telling them to keep moving until they reached the gates, no matter what.

It was just after you’d sent off a third straggling group of traumatized people back towards Wall Rose that a four-meter Titan stumbled out of a stand of trees and lurched straight towards you. Instantly, you kicked Atalanta and she sprang forward so you could put yourself between the Titan and the fleeing survivors. “Get to the Wall!” you yelled back at them as you shot your line into the Titan’s bulky shoulder, swinging upwards out of your saddle to circle around it, unsheathing your blades.

You dove for the base of its neck, crossing your arms and swinging them apart to slice the Titan’s nape open. The bloated thing fell, making the ground shake as you landed in a crouch on its steaming back. Standing up, you looked around. The group of survivors had vanished -- running towards the Wall, you hoped.

“Squad Leader!” Marina shouted, waving her arm. “There are three more Titans coming from the south!”

Your lip curled. “Shit.” _Now I’m starting to sound like Levi._ You had to push the thought of him away, though. You recalled your horse and rode towards the sound of earth-shaking footsteps.

* * * * *

Levi sat in his office, his tea gone cold and his blood turned to ice in his veins as he read the report Erwin had received and then sent on to him.

It said that twelve volunteers had left Wall Rose to bring back any survivors they could find from the reclamation attempt. The Garrison officer who had written the report noted that the Squad Leader sent by Commander Smith, as the highest-ranking person there, had assumed command of the mission. The report also said that several dozen conscripted survivors had actually made it back alive. As of the time of the report, all but four of the military volunteers had returned before sundown as they’d been ordered.

The names of the missing were given: one Garrison soldier Levi didn’t know, Marina, Anders, and yourself. The report went on to mention that some of the survivors said that the soldiers had rescued them from the Titans. Others had made it back on their own, fortunate enough not to be attacked. The last report anybody had of you, however, came with a small group that stumbled in before nightfall.

A young man with this group had told the Garrison command that the Squad Leader and at least one other Survey Corps soldier had last been seen in an area of low, stony hills a short distance from the Wall. You had been defending some survivors from two Titans which were both eleven meters tall. That was all the young man was able to remember seeing before he’d fled in terror from the scene.

Levi's eyes scanned the text all the way to the bottom, not really seeing anything past the last survivor’s report. He lowered the page and let it slip onto the desk from his fingers as he stared into space in front of him.

_I’ll come back, Levi. It won’t be like a regular expedition._

_I’m going to go whether you like it or not._

_Fine. I hope you’ll forgive me when I return._

He had behaved abominably. He had blown up at you after Erwin left the meeting room. He’d told you that your reasons for volunteering were vain, pointless, and self-indulgent, and further twisted the knife in by adding that this wouldn’t bring your family back. None of that could be taken back now, maybe not ever.

The chill inside him spread. Levi wasn’t a man given to self-delusion. He’d always been as honest with himself about his own words and actions as he was blunt and rude about other people’s. This time, however, he’d been wrong and he had no choice but to accept the reason why.

 _He was terrified_. Not only for you, though that had certainly played a large part in his reaction. No, he had also been terrified for himself. What if he lost you? It didn’t matter that either of you could’ve been killed long before now on one of many expeditions outside the Walls, or during the frantic withdrawal inside Wall Rose after the Titans breached Wall Maria. You both knew the score, had accepted that you might only have a limited amount of time together, and tried to make it count. At least, Levi had thought he’d done that.

His mother, Farlan, Isabel -- he’d lost them all and there had been nothing he could do about it. Even fucking Kenny had abandoned him once he’d taught Levi his survival skills. And people were inconstant, promises were forgotten, hearts got broken -- he’d seen that everywhere, both Underground and here. But as he’d once said, he’d never known anyone like you, and he had since realized that he loved you more than he knew how to express. And after all this time, it sometimes felt like he still had no idea what he was doing.

_I'm a fucking moron, acting like this because I'm afraid she'll die without me nearby._

Levi looked down at the page where your name was written in the Garrison officer’s sprawling hand. He stood up suddenly, crunching the report in his fist before leaving his office, the door shutting behind him with a bang. His bootsteps rang loudly in the stone hall, and the few people he met took one look at him and hurried past as he turned a corner and headed towards the Commander’s office.

* * * * *

The old man was very seriously hurt, and all of you knew it wouldn’t be long now. When night fell, you’d told Anders to keep an eye out for anything moving, just in case, and sheathed your blades before crawling to the back of the small rocky cleft. You scooted past the four other survivors to get a good look at the elderly civilian.

He opened his eyes when he sensed you by his side. “You should go,” he said in a weak voice. “You can get back in the dark. The Titans won’t bother you. I heard…” he coughed, and you took his hand, holding it fast, “...I heard you talking...to the other soldier about it. Go on, take the others back.”

“I won’t leave you until I have to,” you said, squeezing his hand gently. His lined face had gone grayish. It was almost over. His labored breathing was the only sound in the cave for several long moments.

“Thank you,” he whispered, so faintly you almost didn’t catch it. “Thank you...for saving us…”

You held the old man’s hand until his skin began to turn cold, then you gently laid it on his bloodstained chest. Everyone was silent. You slowly got to your feet. Your head didn’t even brush the top of the tiny cave, but they all looked up at you as you did so.

“We can leave now that it’s dark and the Titans are inactive. I know you’ve been through hell today, but you only have to go on for a little longer.” You hoped what you said was true.

Cautiously, you and Anders poked your heads out of the cave. There was nothing left but a wide, foul stain of the Titan Anders had slain, or of the second one you’d killed while it had been trying to get at the terrified people hiding inside the little opening in the rocks. The ground remained still, and though the stench of death surrounded you, you also couldn’t detect the rank odor of living Titans.

“I think we’re in the clear,” Anders said after a minute.

“I think so, too. Get the others ready,” you told him. Jumping onto the rocks, you issued a loud whistle. In a few minutes, the sound of hoofbeats came towards you and Atalanta appeared, her gray hide almost glowing in the dark. You had no idea where any of the other horses were, and no more came to your signal.

The last time you’d seen any of the soldiers from the Garrison, they’d been leading a larger group of survivors back towards the Wall, with some of the injured slung across their saddles. If you hadn’t been determined to stay with the old man until the end, you might have brought these last few people in sooner. But there had been no way you could leave the elder to die alone and none of the rest seemed willing to do so either, even though they were shocked numb by the events of the day.

There was a half moon out, which you were thankful for as it meant you weren’t totally without a way to see. Anders helped one of the survivors out of the cave and into the faint light, the others following behind. “He’s got a busted ankle.”

“Then he’ll ride.” You and Anders helped the man onto Atalanta’s back, and you took her reins in hand. “Anybody else need a ride? My horse can carry another.” The other three shook their heads, surprising you.

“Take us home,” one of the women said resolutely, her thin face worn but determined. You gave her a brief nod and turned around to lead your horse and your fellow humans back to the Wall.

* * * * *

“You aren’t going out to look for her,” Erwin said with finality. “I can’t risk it. The Survey Corps needs you, Levi.”

“But it doesn’t need her?” Levi sneered. “Did you even hesitate for one second when she volunteered to go after the survivors? Or did you think she was expendable too, just like all those people that died today?” His voice was more vicious than Erwin had ever heard it, and the commander had to suppress a wince.

“No, I didn’t think that.” Erwin leaned forward with his hands planted on his desk, staring intently at the other man. Levi stood in front of him, practically vibrating with whatever raged behind his flinty-eyed gaze, the report from the Garrison twisted in his clenched fist. Although he had known Levi for years and understood the other man well, Erwin was secretly taken aback at this display of emotion. He was probably the only one with whom Levi would ever be this open. Well, except for _her_.

Erwin chose his next words carefully. “Levi, she’s been in the Survey Corps for almost half her life at this point, and for much longer than you have, I might add. She's intelligent and level-headed. Do you really think so little of her experience, her skill, that you can’t believe she’s capable of surviving this?”

Levi’s eyes glinted dangerously before they narrowed and his mouth drew into a tight line. For a minute, Erwin thought he was going to be treated to a tirade. After a few excruciating seconds, though, the dark-haired man looked away and muttered a short, “No.”

Erwin sensed he’d regained the upper hand. “As it stands,” he said in a conciliatory tone, “while I will not allow you to leave Wall Rose alone, I suppose there’s no way I can keep you from riding to the gates to see if she’s returned since that report was sent.”

“No, there isn’t,” Levi said brusquely. “Glad you understand that.” He dropped the crumpled report on the desk, turned on his heel, and walked out of Erwin’s office, calling over his shoulder, “If she’s not back yet, I’ll wait for her there.”

* * * * *

Your little party of survivors made its way out of the rocky hills and onto the flat plain that stretched to Wall Rose. It wasn’t long before Anders sighted the road that led from the Wall into the open countryside, and with relief you led them onto it, able to move at a faster pace now. You held Atalanta’s reins tightly, checking now and then to make sure the injured man on her back was still able to stay in the saddle. The others followed close behind you, Anders taking up the rear, listening and keeping an eye out for any movement in the dark. But none of you saw or heard anything, not even any animals.

At last, the enormous, nearly featureless surface of Wall Rose loomed above you. You halted, the others stopping behind you as you reached into your belt for your signal gun and attached a flare. You lifted your arm and fired it into the air, hoping someone on the Wall was looking. The four survivors all turned their faces up to watch as it ascended, and the golden light illuminated their tired, hopeful expressions, making them seem almost like gods and goddesses carved into a temple wall.

At the top of Wall Rose, overlooking the road, Levi stood staring out over the dark land that lay spread before him. He’d arrived at the Garrison’s bunker demanding to know if you had come back. When regretfully informed that you hadn’t returned, he had gone to the base of the Wall and instead of waiting for the lift, he cast his lines into its surface before swinging himself to the top. The few soldiers of the Garrison’s night watch who were there had been surprised, but when they discovered who he was and that he was looking for the missing Survey Corps members, they backed off, too awed by his reputation to approach him.

He’d been standing there for a long time. It was now past midnight and at this time of year, dawn would come in four hours -- and with it, the Titans. He tried to ignore the sick feeling that kept rising in his gut, especially when the wind turned and the reek of decay wafted up to those at the top of the Wall. It wasn’t just the smell that was bothering him, though.

 _That damn Erwin was right._ _I shouldn’t have doubted her like that,_ he told himself bitterly, clenching his teeth _._ The cruel, cold voice of reason in the back of his mind tried to argue that even the best soldier couldn’t count on his or her luck forever, but Levi forced himself to ignore it. There was nothing else he could do but wait. He took a deep breath and let it out, closed his eyes and tried to focus on calming himself down.

“Look!” a nearby soldier shouted. Levi’s eyelids snapped open. A signal flare was rising from very near the Wall, faint smoke drifting in its wake as it hurtled towards the sky and burst into a shower of sparks. “They’re back!”

Levi took three rapid strides forward and let himself step right off into nothingness. His ODMG lines shot out and hooked into Wall Rose’s outer side, slowing his fall before he swung out and down towards the road below. _Guess Erwin’ll be pissed if he finds out about this._ He didn’t care, though.

“Someone’s coming down from the Wall,” Anders said, peering up into the darkness. You could see the faint glimmer of moonlight off the person’s gear, but you couldn’t tell anything else about them except that they were moving very fast. Your heart lifted, and you broke into a run, Atalanta trotting beside you, the survivors struggling to keep up. Anders scooped one of the exhausted women into his brawny arms and rushed up behind you.

“Wait! Where are you -- ” he called as the person dropped lower and came to the bottom of Wall Rose in front of the small gate the Garrison had opened to let you all in.

You didn’t answer, letting go of your horse’s reins entirely as you sprinted forward and threw yourself at the person standing there. He caught you and somehow kept you both from falling over. The others came up alongside a minute later, panting and out of breath, to find you and Levi holding each other tightly, neither of you moving or saying a word.

* * * * *

You finished the letter to Marina’s family, looking it over for any errors before sadly putting it aside to let the ink dry. Her Survey Corps insignia patch and a small bundle of her personal possessions lay before you. Marina had died defending the old man in the cave from the Titan, even though his injuries had eventually killed him. It might seem like her death was pointless, but you knew Marina herself wouldn’t have thought so.

Upon your return, Erwin commended you in his serious, earnest way, which was gratifying, but you hadn’t done it for the Survey Corps, for the sake of humanity, or even for the sake of the few people you’d been able to bring back alive, though you were glad you’d been able to do that much. Levi’s words had hit close to the mark when he’d angrily told you that this wouldn’t bring your family back. You knew that, but you had done it for them all the same -- your mother and father, your elder brother, his wife and their children, the longtime farm hands who’d become like family, your neighbors -- all of them. This was their memorial, from you and Anders, since they would have no other.

You folded the letter, closing it with blue wax and a seal bearing the Wings of Freedom, and wrote Marina’s parents’ names on the outside, then you set it on your desk to be sent off the next morning with her effects. You rose from your seat, stretching your arms out and cracking your spine. You’d not been injured during your mission, but you had returned exhausted, feeling as if you’d been fighting TItans for days, although you’d only had to kill two.

The commander had actually come to meet you at the main doors and tell you that while the loss of Marina was unfortunate, you and your fellow soldiers had done the Survey Corps proud. He and Levi had exchanged inscrutable, silent looks before Erwin smiled in a strange, almost smug way and took his leave. Levi had uttered a _tsk_ at the commander's retreating back before he’d taken you to your quarters. You hadn’t spoken as Levi led you inside, closed the door and brought you to your room, but as he helped you undress, tears began to slide down your face. Levi said nothing as you cried silently, merely getting into the bed with you after discarding his own clothes. He held you close until you fell asleep.

When you woke up he was gone and it was past breakfast, but out on your desk was a note curtly informing you that you were to eat the bread and fruit he’d left there, and that he would see you later. Erwin had asked you to give him an account of your mission for the records, so you had busied yourself with that and the unpleasant task of writing the letter. Now it was almost lunchtime. You decided to go down to the mess hall and make yourself a strong cup of tea first.

The kitchen staff were hurrying to and fro, pots banging and steam issuing out from under lids as you made your way past them. You’d just reached up to get your special box of tea out of a cupboard when someone came up close behind you and plucked it out of your hand, setting it down on the counter before turning you around by the waist. It was Levi.

He scrutinized you closely, as if inspecting a just-cleaned room for any signs of dirt. “You’re all right,” he said finally, his voice bearing the slightest trace of something like suspicion.

“I’m all right,” you repeated, bemused. You met his gaze for a long moment. “Levi. I’m fine.”

“Right.” He let go of you, casting a sideways glance at the cooks who were very obviously not listening to what was going on between you and the captain. You turned back around to make your tea, hiding your smile as Levi left the room. When you’d finished, you carried the cup out to the mess hall and sat down beside him. People were starting to make their way inside, and soon Mike and Hange joined you after getting themselves each a tray of stew and potatoes.

Anders appeared, looking more rested than you felt. You smiled at him as he waved before joining his friends at another table. More people sat at yours, and you moved down to make room. “I’m going to get some food,” you finally said, getting to your feet.

Levi stood up and put his hand on your shoulder, gently but firmly pushing you back down into your seat. “ _Tch_. Sit down.” He left the table to bring back lunch for you and himself as some of the others cast you amused looks. None of them knew about your fight earlier (although you suspected Erwin might), so you only sighed and smiled back.

Lunchtime conversation was much the same as usual, but you could sense tension beneath Levi’s replies to Erwin and his insults to Hange, and every so often you caught him watching you. If the others noticed, they said nothing. Your relationship with the short, irritable leader of the Special Operations Squad was an open secret in the Survey Corps by now. Since it hadn’t affected either Levi’s or your own fulfillment of your respective duties, it wasn’t an issue. Most people seemed glad, in fact, when they heard you’d been with Levi for so long. It meant that even in this harsh new world of cruelty and death, there were still things worth cherishing.

When lunch was over, you went back to your office to finish the report for Erwin. You’d just gotten started when Levi came to your door. You hadn’t really spoken to him since your return, and you thought you had a good idea about what he wanted to talk about.

He walked around the desk and leaned against it, his arms folded, looking down at you with that seemingly bored gaze you knew so well. “Erwin said you and the other two got a total of thirty-six people back alive yesterday. The Garrison brought back another fifty or so.”

You thought for a minute. “That sounds about right. We would have had thirty-seven, but one old man died before we could bring him with us.”

Levi shifted slightly. “Sorry about Marina, by the way. I didn’t know her well, but it's a shame she died during a shitty mop-up.”

“Yes, but she knew what might happen if she came along,” you said, dropping your gaze as your voice sharpened almost imperceptibly, “just as we all do every time we venture outside the Walls.”

A brief but deafening silence followed. You were half-certain Levi was about to yell at you again, but before you could say anything, he’d taken hold of your chin and turned your face up toward him. His own face was even paler than normal, and when he spoke, it was barely above a whisper. “When you said you were going out there without me, it scared me shitless,” he confessed, and you knew how hard it had been for him to admit that. “It doesn’t make sense at all, I know, but that’s why I yelled at you.”

You held his gaze steadily. “I didn’t go because I wanted to perform some grand deed. It wasn’t like that. Seeing all those people massacred by the Titans was awful, and I wish I’d been able to find more of them than I did. Marina died trying to save that old man who died anyway, and Anders and I might have died too if it wasn’t for dumb luck and our training.”

Levi’s eyes widened fractionally at that, but you went on, “I wasn’t trying to prove anything, Levi. I just wanted to do something for someone else’s family because I couldn’t do anything for mine when it counted.”

Your eyes had filled with tears, but before you could say anything more, Levi pulled you out of your seat and into his arms. You hung on to him for several long minutes, aware only of the steady beating of his heart and the warmth of his body near yours. By the time you let go, you’d managed to calm yourself down. Levi wiped your tears away with his thumbs, holding your head in his hands. He wore a look you’d seldom seen on him, both thoughtful and tender at once.

“Are you going to forgive me for going out there?” you asked with a small smile.

Levi shook his head. “Don’t need to. I’m the one who should ask to be forgiven.”

“Not really.” You kissed him. “Not for being afraid for me, or for loving me enough to admit it.”

“ _Tch_ ,” he said, but he kissed you right back.

* * * * *

All in all, fewer than two hundred people survived the “reclamation.” The bodies of the dead were left to lie where they had fallen, as there was no way to retrieve and bury them all, even if they could be identified. By the time the next Survey Corps expedition rode out, nothing was left but scattered bones. However, Commander Erwin ordered that a carved monument be placed alongside the road leading out from Wall Rose into the countryside beyond, which was still Titan territory.

 _On this day of the year 846, this stone was erected in memory of the more than 200,000 citizens who died in the first campaign to retake humanity’s territory from the Titans, one year and thirteen days after the fall of Wall Maria,_ it read _._ Below the inscription were the insignia of both the Survey Corps and the Garrison. The badge of the Military Police was conspicuously absent.

“The government will probably take that down once they find out it’s there, you know,” Anders observed as your squad made its way past the memorial. “Bet Erwin didn’t ask permission to set it up.”

“Probably not,” you agreed, “but it’s there now and even if they take it away, people won’t forget.” _And neither will we_ , you thought, sharing a look of understanding with your brother.

Far ahead, at the front of the line, you could just make out Levi riding alongside the commander, the bright sunlight briefly reflecting off his dark hair like a crown. When the order came later for the regiment to speed up and move into formation, you lost sight of him, but you knew that he was out there, just as he knew that you were.

**Author's Note:**

> "...I'm in love with you, and I know that love is just a shout into the void, and that oblivion is inevitable, and that we're all doomed and that there will come a day when all our labor has been returned to dust, and I know the sun will swallow the only earth we'll ever have, and I am in love with you."
> 
> \-- John Greene, _The Fault in Our Stars_


End file.
